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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24473146">Talk To Me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/neoqueentitania/pseuds/neoqueentitania'>neoqueentitania</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sword Art Online (Anime &amp; Manga)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, honest to god this is a vent lmao</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 02:22:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,279</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24473146</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/neoqueentitania/pseuds/neoqueentitania</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Kazuto’s concern for Asuna grows when he finds new scars on her wrists, but he knows well enough that opening up is hard on its own, let alone when it’s something still so raw.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kirigaya Kazuto | Kirito/Yuuki Asuna | Asuna</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>60</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Talk To Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>TW: Self-harm, referenced r*pe. </p>
<p>I don’t even know what to say, it’s 12:47AM and I’m writing this on my phone having a panic attack. Sorry for any typos, please let me know and I can fix them as soon as I can!! &lt;3</p>
<p>And remember that people are always there to help you and if you’re struggling there are lots of lifelines and crisis hotlines to call if you need it. &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kazuto pulled Asuna into his lap, kissing the top of her head while she dug through her makeup bag. He was always so fascinated by how meticulously organised it was, a stark contrast from the messy shoebox he kept his in. Of course, he didn’t have nearly as much as she did and didn’t wear it nearly as frequently.</p>
<p>“Okay, turn around,” Asuna instructed, positing herself in his lap so she could hold his face with one hand, “Look up,” </p>
<p>Kazuto did as he was told, staring up at the ceiling while Asuna held his head still, bringing an eyeliner pencil to his eye.</p>
<p>“Please don’t poke my eye out,”</p>
<p>“I won’t if you stop moving,” she held his face still, finishing the waterline of one eye and smiling proudly at her work.</p>
<p>The pair of them had agreed on a movie date later that evening, so Kazuto had invited Asuna over to his house early in the afternoon so they could spend some more time together. At some point, Asuna had asked if she could help him get ready for their date, deeming his outfit too casual for a nice night out and instructing him to change and brush his hair again before they left.</p>
<p>That had eventually led to Kazuto asking Asuna to do his makeup for him, and Asuna happily agreeing, clapping her hands together cutely in excitement. She thought Kazuto was adorable anyway, a boyish face and eyes she could spend hours looking into, but she found him particularly cute when he donned his dark eyeliner and the specific leather jacket he often wore with it.</p>
<p>“I trust you with my life, but I do not trust you this close to my eye,” Kazuto joked as Asuna continued her work.</p>
<p>Days like these were their favourites, when neither of them had anything better to do than to spend time together goofing around, when it was just the two of them and the entire world. Lately, Asuna had been requesting to help Kazuto with his makeup given that he rarely wore any, and he’d been more than happy to let her experiment with new products she’d bought, happy that she found something she was so happy doing.</p>
<p>Kazuto had been worried about her lately, though he hadn’t said anything. He’d noticed how distant she’d been acting around her family - not that it was completely unusual - suddenly calling at all hours of the night to take her to his house, to spend time on the phone talking until she was able to fall asleep, sometimes even just to drive aimlessly around town and forget themselves.</p>
<p>Those were some of his fondest memories of her; wind blowing through her hair as they sped down alleyways and roads they’d never caught the names of on midnight drives with the headlights leading the way, </p>
<p>When she pulled back to retrieve something else from her bag, Kazuto noticed the scars buried deep within her wrists - those were nothing new, remnants of her first few weeks outside of ALO - were now joined by three newer cuts a little further along her arm.</p>
<p>“Hey, wait,” his face fell in concern, “When did those get there?”</p>
<p>He gently took her arm in his hand and inspected the cuts closer, making sure they weren’t still bleeding, then looked at Asuna while she tried to look away as if she was being scolded.</p>
<p>“Asuna, please, if there’s something hurting you, please tell me,” his voice almost broke. He was trying to not sound too overbearing - he didn’t want her to feel any more guilty than he guessed she already did - but he was worried about her, she was hurting, and he hadn’t noticed.</p>
<p>Asuna looked up at him through now-teary lashes, “It hurts really bad, Kazuto,”</p>
<p>It was one of the few times he’d ever heard her use his real name.</p>
<p>He opened his arms for her cautiously and held her as she climbed back into his lap, their eyes locking for several moments before Kazuto slowly laid the both of them down, Asuna resting her head on his chest while he wrapped his arms around her loosely.</p>
<p>“I need you to talk to me,” he said softly, feeling her begin to sob into his shirt, “I know it’s hard, believe me when I tell you how much I know that, but please, we can get through this together,”</p>
<p>“I keep feeling him all over me,”</p>
<p>Her voice trembled as she spoke, giving way to sobs that she attempted to muffle in his shirt. His hands made their way to her hair, combing his fingers gently through her long tresses, careful to be delicate enough to not scare her.</p>
<p>“It never stops,” she said softly, tightening her grip on the front of the shirt as if to remind herself that he was real and she was safe in his arms, “I feel him when I go to sleep, touching me and grabbing me and laughing, I can’t shower without feeling ashamed of myself and…”</p>
<p>She trailed off, looking up to meet Kazuto’s eyes, which were wet with concerned tears as she spoke.</p>
<p>“I can’t do this anymore.”</p>
<p>She cried loudly against his chest while he gently rubbed her back, trying to soothe her but too afraid of scaring her if he put his hand in the wrong place. She was fragile now, now more than ever, delicate like a flower whose petals had been plucked and thrown into flames she had no control over, the fire once burning in her eyes put out by the tears she’d shed on too many long nights alone with her thoughts.</p>
<p>“What can’t you do?” Kazuto asked softly as her sobs grew quieter.</p>
<p>Asuna sat up, climbing off Kazuto’s lap and settling onto his bed, trembling as she pulled blankets around her shoulders while Kazuto readjusted himself to sit up once again.</p>
<p>“All of this,” she gestured vaguely with her hands, unsure of quite what she meant herself.</p>
<p>Kazuto frowned again. The girl that cowered in front of him seemed so foreign, worlds away from the invisible warrior he’d known in Aincrad. The Lightning Flash was still there, buried somewhere deep under “Titania’s” brief existence within ALfheim.</p>
<p>He watched as Asuna pulled the blankets tighter around herself. He’d support her through this, she’d supported him through countless hard times and he didn’t intend to bail on her when she needed him the most, but it was painful for him to watch his love suddenly broken, a shell of her former self.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” her voice was barely above a whisper, wet and shaking as she started to cry again.</p>
<p>“What are you apologising for?” Kazuto asked, head cocked to the side in confusion.</p>
<p>“I’m a mess,” Asuna sighed, sniffling slightly, then cringing at the sound of her own voice.</p>
<p>“But I love your mess,” Kazuto told her.</p>
<p>He moved to put a hand on her shoulder gently, checking for any signs of her discomfort before he continued. She looked up at him, eyes wet with tears with she searched his eyes for reassurance and safety.</p>
<p>Kazuto cleared his throat, almost as if to reassure himself, then he spoke again.</p>
<p>“I wanted you, every side of you. The sides you show on a battlefield, the sides you show with Yui, the sides you show when we’re alone and you’re acting so adorably. Even this side of you, when you’re afraid and everything’s scary and you don’t know what to do. I want every side of you, and I’ll love every side of you.”</p>
<p>Asuna swallowed hard, tears rolling down her cheeks as she nuzzled her cheek against his hand, lips curving into a gentle smile as she felt her heartbeat beginning to slow again until she was calm.</p>
<p>Kazuto watched her again for a few moments while she grounded herself, taking a few shaky breaths. He was always so fascinated by how calm she could make herself in a simple few minutes, he guessed she’d picked it up after being ridiculed by her parents for not being composed.</p>
<p>Before Kazuto had the chance to get too distracted by his thoughts, Asuna had regained her composure, looking up at him expectantly, like she was waiting for him to question her, to ask why she had fallen back again, to ask why she was still stuck in that fake cage in a fake world, why she was so truly traumatised by a fake man desecrating a fake body.</p>
<p>The same questions her mother had raised the first - and only - time she had seen Asuna in the midst of a breakdown.</p>
<p>“Now,” Kazuto pulled his hand away to give Asuna some more space, “I understand it’s uncomfortable to talk about it, but I’m really worried about you.”</p>
<p>Asuna looked down at her lap guiltily, her voice small. “I didn’t mean to do it,”</p>
<p>Kazuto felt his heart shatter while he watched her dissolve into a shell again before his eyes. Her hair fell in front of her face and neither of them made an attempt to brush it away. Kazuto was too afraid of scaring her with his touch, Asuna was glad it shielded her from presently unwanted eye contact - she couldn’t handle looking Kazuto in the eye while she explained everything to him.</p>
<p>Kazuto offered to run her a bath and find her some gauze to wrap her wounds with. She accepted meekly, following him to his bathroom where he ran the tub of water and left the room, reminding her to call out if she needed anything. He found the roll of gauze in the first aid kit his aunt kept in the kitchen drawer, then returned to the bathroom door to sit in the hallway waiting for Asuna.</p>
<p>She bathed and changed back into her clothes, though Kazuto had offered to loan her some of Suguha’s old pyjamas to change into and she’d declined. She brushed her hair and braided it neatly as she always did, then slipped back out into the hall to let Kazuto wrap her arm for her.</p>
<p>Once he was satisfied with his work, she led the way back to his bedroom, the pair of them curling up on his bed and getting as comfortable as they could, given the tense atmosphere. They sat in silence for a while, waiting for the other to say something, until eventually Asuna spoke, her voice quiet and laced with guilt.</p>
<p>“It just… happened. I was getting so much better, but then I saw you and Yui playing together last week and it reminded me of back in Aincrad. I remembered how nice it was back then before anything bad happened, and… I’m sorry,” </p>
<p>She pulled her arms around her knees, sobbing loudly once more, guilty and ashamed of herself for forcing Kazuto through everything she was. She felt guilty for sharing her burdens with him, she should have been strong enough to handle things on her own, that’s what she’d been raised to do - stay out of people’s way and be independent.</p>
<p>“You don’t have anything to be sorry for,” Kazuto said after a long silence, “We all went through something hard. It’s hard to adjust to how life was before SAO, and I’m sure it’s even harder for you because you went through a lot more than any of us did.”</p>
<p>“I say before anything bad happened as if thousands of players didn’t die. Isn’t that selfish of me? Because I was okay, I forget it was bad for so many other people,”</p>
<p>“That isn’t selfish, I feel the same sometimes. It was horrible, but we were happy. We were married, we had friends, we had Yui. It’s easy to forget that is was hard for a lot of people,”</p>
<p>Asuna gave a small nod but still refused to look at him.</p>
<p>“Asuna, it isn’t selfish of you to admit you need help,” Kazuto said softly.</p>
<p>This prompted Asuna to slowly raise her head until she could see his face, her eyes still obscured by her bangs so she couldn’t completely see her tear-stained face.</p>
<p>“What about my parents? Wouldn’t they be so ashamed of me for not handling this on my own?”</p>
<p>“So?” Kazuto looked at her incredulously, “Please, we’re all worried about you. If your parents refuse to let you get help then I’ll get it for you myself. I know people who can help you, they’ve been helping me since SAO and I know they’ll be more than welcoming.”</p>
<p>Asuna didn’t say anything, but she uncurled herself, stretching her legs out as she shifted to sit next to Kazuto again. She rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes before giving a soft nod.</p>
<p>“But you gotta promise me something first, okay?” Kazuto put an arm around her, “You need to finish my eyeliner before I leave the house with you.”</p>
<p>Asuna laughed lightly and pulled away, reaching for the eyeliner pencil that had been discarded on the bed. She took Kazuto’s face in one of her hands, pulling it towards hers so she could apply the rest of his makeup.</p>
<p>She really had intended to finish doing his eyeliner on his other eye, but with the way he looked at her like she was his entire world, of course, she couldn’t help but use their closeness to steal a kiss that gave way to many others, until they were both fairly certain they wouldn’t be leaving the house for at least a few more hours.</p>
<p>Though, Asuna couldn’t help but regret skipping the movie, even just the tiniest bit, once her therapist mentioned it in passing at her first appointment the following month.</p>
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